why can't i say that i'm in love? i wanna shout it from the rooftops
by necking
Summary: For now, it all seems okay. Brilliant, even. From the way Trini mirrors the look on Kim's face, the moon lighting up her skin, her lips purpled and bruised, Kim could almost pretend that Trini is hers. That she isn't afraid, that they could hold hands down the halls at school, that she's in love. That they're in love. But it's more complicated than that.


"Stop," Trini giggles, pulling back from Kim's lips to rest her forehead against the taller girl's. "That tickles."

Kim opens her eyes slowly, only to meet Trini's already open eyes. She smiles. "'Not my fault your neck's so ticklish."

For now, it all seems okay. Brilliant, even. From the way Trini mirrors the look on Kim's face, the moon lighting up her skin, her lips purpled and bruised, Kim could almost pretend that Trini is hers. That she isn't afraid, that they could hold hands down the halls at school, that she's in love.

That they're in love.

But it's more complicated than that.

"It's not me that's ticklish," Trini protests. "I swear you're trying to tickle me."

Kim hums, disagreeing. "I'm pretty sure you're just too sensitive."

"Am not!" The yellow ranger swears, "wait, I'll do it to you. Then we'll see who's 'sensitive.'"

Instead of replying, Kim leans back and tilts her head up, allowing for easier access to her neck.

Immediately, Trini attaches herself to Kim's neck. She sucks hard, making sure to leave a dark bruise behind that'll definitely take even Ranger healing a few days to heal.

A sound from Kim's throat escapes her lips, and it's not a giggle. "Oh my _God_ ," she gasps.

Trini continues with her ministrations, quick and desperate, forgetting her task to prove that necks are ticklish.

Then, there are hands all over Kim's body, her hips raised up off the mattress, and suddenly she can't remember how to be quiet.

Trini's all teeth and nails now, leaving angry red marks behind every form of contact. Kim can't find her voice to tell her to be more gentle.

She hates it. Hates how Trini will only love her roughly because she hates this side of herself. She sighs, and pushes the thought of telling Trini to stop in the back of her mind. If this is all Trini will offer to Kim, she won't hesitate to take it.

Suddenly, hands are moving faster, movements are getting sloppier, and breaths are coming out shorter.

For a second, she lets go.

Even as Kim's screaming, her soul leaving her body and coming back, she doesn't let herself feel how good it really feels. Doesn't let herself see the fireworks go off under her eyelids, or feel the shaking in her bones.

Just the bites and bruises littered over her skin.

Just the pain.

Because that's all Kim's left with in the morning. With an empty bed and a body that aches, she sits up slowly in the sunlight, never being able to get used to being used.

She tries to convince herself it's okay, but the sudden pang in her chest tells her she's not a very good liar.

"Kim," Billy says, during a water break intermission in between sparring matches, "what's that on your neck?"

Kim flinches, hand reaching instinctively to hide the several marks above her collarbone. She must've sweated off the thick layer of makeup she applied this morning to her neck. "Nothing."

Jason smirks, but Billy raises a brow. "Doesn't look like 'nothing.' Did something hurt you?" He asks, concerned. "Because you can tell us."

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Kim blushes.

"Yeah, Bill, I'm sure Kim's just befriended an octopus," Jason says, trying not to laugh.

She's about to laugh it off, move on like nothing happened, until Zack joins the conversation.

"Yeah, I think Trini and Kim have a mutual friend from the deep sea," he jokes, directing the attention over to Trini.

Suddenly, the room is quiet, and the tension is heavy. Trini looks at Kim with wide eyes, and Kim has forgotten how to swallow.

"What a coincidence," Jason says, noticing the panicked vibes from the girls from the team, trying to cut the tension.

Kim is still looking at Trini, wordlessly pleading with her, telling her to _stay_.

"Yeah," Billy agrees, "a _coincidence_."

But the room stays silent anyway.

For all her talk, and her aggression, and being a Ranger, Trini runs. Disappears. Because it's what she grew up doing- what she was taught to do when it got to be too much.

And Kim loves her friends, her team, so, so, much, but she can't help but feel angry. Angry at Zack, who can't resist holding back a joke, at Jason, who always needs to say something, and at Billy, who cares too much.

They can't find her. Trini hasn't replied to any of the Rangers' texts, let alone Kim's, and she didn't show up for school the following day. Kim's heart is heavier than it's ever been, and Zack can't stop apologizing.

"I'm sorry," he says for the fourth time that hour, "I didn't know it was such a sensitive topic." And Kim feels bad that he feels so bad, but she wants to be angry, and he's starting to sound like a broken record player.

She ignores the rest of his texts, and tries not to think about how she didn't let herself fully appreciate the last night she had with Trini, how she couldn't, how she had somehow taken her for granted.

It's Sunday night when Kim finds herself looking up at Trini's bedroom window, or three days since she last saw Trini. She'd considered waiting until Monday after school, but she couldn't bare the thought of seeing Trini's empty seat in biology again.

Taking a deep breath, Kim starts climbing on the wall of her house mid breath before she can change her mind. It's only a few seconds before she's sitting on the window's edge, looking at Trini work on her laptop.

She holds still for a bit, trying not to make any sudden movements so that Trini looks up from her laptop. With bated breath, she watches her, knuckles hovering a few inches from the glass to knock.

Trini sees her before she can even make contact with the glass, and opens her window.

"What do you want, Kim?" She asks, sighing, resting her folded elbows on the sill. She sounds tired, like she hasn't been sleeping properly.

"Can I come in?"

She's met with a blank stare.

" _Please_?"

Wordlessly, Trini visibly relaxes, and moves away from the window so as to say _go ahead_.

"I missed you." Kim says as she steps in.

Trini doesn't respond. Just continues to stare at her.

"Listen," Kim starts, hands nervously playing with the tips of her short hair, "maybe it's time we talk about... _this_."

"There's nothing to talk about." Trini says quickly.

Kim's heart drops. She's tired, she's sad, she's frustrated, but most of all, she's _pissed_.

"Really?" She scoffs, indignant. "That's the route you're gonna go for?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Trini?" She yells, her anger flaring up. "You're gonna stand there and act like nothing happened?"

Trini shrugs, swallows hard. "Nothing happened."

"That's a lie, and you know it."

She pales. Doesn't look at Kim.

"No, Trini, you don't get to do this anymore," Kim snaps, her voice breaking. "You don't get to hold my hand, or kiss me, or- or _fuck_ me, and then pretend we're just friends."

"I don't do stuff like that," she says quietly, still not looking at Kim. "I don't see girls like that- I don't see _you_ like that."

Kim makes an ugly noise, a sound between a scream and a laugh. "Look at me- no, Trini, _look_ at me," she says, moving closer to Trini.

Trini finally looks away from her corner, slowly and painfully meeting Kim's eyes.

"You see these?" Kim asks, gesturing to her neck while ripping her turtleneck in the process. "You're gonna tell me that these are the result of 'nothing' happening?"

She looks away again, stares harder at the corner of the wall, refusing to look into Kim's eyes. Swallowing hard, she opens her mouth.

"Yes," she manages out, her voice hoarse. "I didn't," she coughs, "I didn't know what I was doing. 'Doesn't mean anything."

"Well, you seemed pretty sure that night." Kim says bitterly, turning towards the window.

She's got one leg out of the window already, and is about to stick the other one out when Trini speaks again.

"Wait, Kim, I'm sorry."

And it's said so quietly, Kim's almost sure she imagined it.

"I just don't understand," Trini continues, confirming that she had actually said something. "You're a girl, and, and it's not allowed, but I want you like how I'm not meant to."

"Trini…" Kim says, turning around. Her anger fades as quickly as it had appeared.

"I've just… never done this properly before," the yellow ranger admits. "Every time something like this happens, it always isn't meant to happen."

Kim moves back closer to Trini, already ready to comfort her.

"If my mom finds out, I'm dead," she sobs, "and I can't take any more people giving me shit about something like this."

Kim's heart breaks. She'd known about Trini's struggles with her mother and her sexuality, but she hadn't taken into consideration about where their current relationship was at.

"I'm sorry," Kim apologizes, forgetting her own frustration and sadness. "I won't tell anyone, okay?"

"Okay," Trini agrees, trying to wipe her tears. "I don't want this to stop, and- and I won't deny it anymore, but this is the best I can offer- keeping this a secret."

And it's not exactly what Kim wanted to hear, but like usual, she'll take what she can get from Trini.

She just hopes she can convince herself it's enough for real this time.


End file.
